Short Stories of the Eternally Screwed
by vampgirl18
Summary: Prompts for Fictionista WitFit's workshop. They will be funny, serious, lovey, and swoony! And all through the month of December! Every pairing, lemons, cursing, general hilarity.
1. Finger Food

**Penname: **Vampgirl18

**Derivative Fiction**: Twilight

**Rating/Warning(s)**: T

**Notes**: This is a prompt for a writer's workshop, Fictionista WitFit, if you want to join in the fun, go to Twitter and search Fictionista to get all the info.

**Disclaimer**: All copyrighted, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

**Prompt**: Idea Completion- Finger Food

* * *

I love fish sticks. Don't ask me why, I do not know. It probably has something to do with me visiting Charlie when I was younger and all we had to eat was fish sticks. They were homemade, and fatty, and disgusting. And I couldn't get enough of them.

To demonstrate just how much I loved my fish sticks, I was chowing down on a huge plate.

At the Cullen's.

With my boyfriend.

Edward Cullen.

The most perfect thing since...fish sticks. He doesn't eat, sleep, or tan, but he loves me enough to sit through me eat food he can't eat.

I munched away happily at my treat. Edward made them for me for lunch, and although he, or his family, can't eat, he made me at least 40. Isn't he the sweetest boyfriend ever?

Well… he would be the sweetest boyfriend ever, if he didn't keep giving the food looks of absolute revulsion.

"If you keep your face like that long enough, it'll freeze that way," I said between sticks. I refused to look at him, though. If I did that I'd get all _swoony_ and forget about more important things… like eating fish sticks.

_Good plan Swan. Fish sticks first, swoony later._

He scoffed at my remark. "Yeah I'm sure that logic is correct. If you keep eating those…_things_," he spat it like a curse. _Stupid, jerky, hot vampire boyfriend. _"You'll turn into one."

That got me thinking.

And just to annoy him further, retribution for dissin' the sticks of course, I decided to voice my thoughts.

"Edward?"

He sighed. "Yes love?"

"Hypothetically… let's say I do turn into a fish stick." I paused for dramatic effect. As I did, I swore I heard Edward say something along the lines of _'Oh for the love of God'_, but I wasn't sure. "Would it be cannibalism if I ate fish sticks while I'm a fish stick?"

Edwards face fell, his jaw dropping open and a thoroughly confused look fell into place. I have never seen him look so baffled in the entire time I knew him. I picked up a fish stick and chomped on it happily, eagerly awaiting his answer.

I suddenly felt his lips on my forehead and I closed my eyes at the sensation.

He bent his head down to whisper the words that made me melt into a puddle of goo in my seat.

"Finish your fish sticks Bella."


	2. He Would Take The Secret To The Grave

**Penname- ****Vampgirl18**

**Dialogue Flex**: "He would take the secret to the grave."

**Genre**: Realistic Fiction

**Creative Original or Derivative (Fanfiction)**: Derivative

**Rating**: T

**Warning(s)**: Nope. Does general hilarity count?

**Disclaimer**: All copyright, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

* * *

I'm thoroughly convinced Bella has no taste. I know she's going for an 'I'm indie, I don't need to look clean all the time' look, but so of the stuff in her closet was absolutely hideous.

Jazzy and I were Bella-sitting this weekend as Edward and the rest of the family went hunting. We went last week so we were the best pick to watch over her. Besides, I felt Bella and Jasper needed to get to know one another. If Jasper spent more time with her…maybe he wouldn't want to kill her all the time.

I was in the process of cleaning out her closet…not all of it…just the fugly stuff, and putting in some _suggested_ clothing. I picked p a sweater off the floor and gasped at what I saw under it.

Romance novels. Tons of them. All with some sort of vampire theme to them. _Night Pleasures. Night Embrace. Undead and Unwed. Fangs for the sex. Dead to the world. Dead Until Dark. Blood Lust._

I always wondered why I got a vision every time Bella picked up a paper back book, but I just brushed it off. I hadn't realized she planned her romance novel reading around the time my brother was out of town.

I started laughing hysterically. This had to be one of the funniest things I ever saw in my life.

Jasper appeared in the doorway of Bella's room, a worried expression at my cackling. Bella appeared next to him, confused at my rolling around the floor. When she noticed what I was clutching to my chest, she turned bright scarlet.

"Alice!" She screeched at me.

Bella rushed forward and grabbed the romance novels out of my hands. She pushed me out of the way and threw them back into the back of her closet. She slammed the door shut again and glared at me fiercely.

Jasper, who apparently had had enough of the haywire emotions, sent out a calming vibe through the entire room. I relaxed immediately, lying on the floor.

"God Alice! Don't you know when not to pry! That is private stuff!" Bella sat on her bed and raked her hands through her hair, a habit she picked up from Edward.

"Bella? What's going on," Jasper questioned.

I decided to answer for her. "I found Bella's stash of dirty romance novels."

Jasper's eyes got eyed. Bella groaned into her hands.

"Really? Well, Miss Bella, I didn't know you were looking for material to try out on my brother," Jasper teased lightly.

Bella stood up and shoved past Jasper. "I'll be downstairs. Come down when you're done making fun of me."

"Aww Bella, don't be like that! Jasper doesn't care! Do you Jasper?"

He leaned against the doorframe and stared at a red faced Bella. "Nah. You should see some of the stuff Alice has in-"

I interjected before he could go too far. "Alright! Thanks. As I was saying, he doesn't care, and even if he did he would take the secret to the grave."

Jasper nodded in affirmation. "Yup. I won't tell a soul…besides Emmett, of course."

The glare Bella gave him could have melted steel.

"As I said, I'll be down stairs. You both suck."

I couldn't help but giggle. "Well…if the fangs fit…"


	3. A Stirring Below

**Penname-** Vampgirl18

**Creative Original or Derivative Fiction-** Derivative Fiction

**Rating/Warning(s):** M (Mild)

**Disclaimer:** All copyrighted, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

**Prompt:** A Stirring Below

* * *

Summer in Forks was never extremely warm or extremely sunny. But on those strange days when the sun did manage to peak through the clouds, the residents of the small town absorbed as much of the rays as they could.

The Cullen's were no different. They just happened to have a pool instead of going down to the rocky, and dog filled, beach.

Bella didn't understand why vampires had a swimming pool since they sparkled in the sunlight, didn't tan, and lived in a cold climate. She also didn't understand why they were subjecting her to going swimming with them. They were all genetically perfect. And she…was not.

Currently, Bella was looking at herself in the mirror trying to cover herself up as much as she could. Alice had forced her into the tiniest scrap of fabric she had ever seen. It was a two piece bikini the covered little to nothing. Bella tried to pry the swimsuit out from her lady parts and comfortably arrange it. Eventually, she just gave up and grabbed one of her boyfriend Edward's t-shirts and pulled it over her head. It fell halfway down her thighs and covered most of the skin that was showing. But not nearly enough in Bella's opinion.

Suddenly, Alice, her boyfriend's sister, burst into the room and started to drag her out the door. She completely ignored Bella's protests, no matter how loud or angry Bella got.

Alice of course, looked like a short super model. Her perfectly sculpted body was wrapped in a pink bikini smaller than Bella's, but much more flattering. Perched on her nose was a pair of extra large sunglasses- ah la Audrey Hepburn- that covered half her elfin face.

"C'mon Bella! We only have until 3:16 before the rain comes back!"

Bella pulled at the hem of her shirt trying to cover as much as possible as she grumbled. "I don't understand why I have to wear this bathing suit Alice! It shouldn't even be considered a bathing suit!"

Alice just shook her head and shoved her out the back door. Alice pulled Bella out to the pool where the rest of the genetically spectacular family was waiting. Rosalie and Esme were lounging in chairs talking quietly, while the boys were swimming and splashing in the pool.

As soon as Edward noticed his small human girlfriend, he jumped out of the pool and rushed over to stand by her side. Bella couldn't speak as she stared at his muscular chest, tiny drops of water cascading over the six pack of muscles. She watched in rapt attention as they slid down his smooth, marble skin and down into the band of his swim shorts. God, how she wanted to lick the trail the droplets were making.

As the seconds carried on and Bella continued to not speak, Edward grew concerned. "Bella, are you okay?"

She nodded and bit savagely at her lower lip, desperately trying not to hump her boyfriend's leg in front of his family. Of course if they were in private…it would have been completely different.

Bella blushed and cleared her throat unceremoniously. "Y-yeah, I'm fine."

She walked over to the lounge chairs where the other three women were and plopped down.

Esme passed a chilled soda down the line. "Here you go Bella. I thought you might be thirsty."

Bella nodded towards her future mother in law. "Thanks Esme, that was sweet of you."

Meanwhile is the pool, Edward was having a difficult time keeping his eyes off Bella's smooth legs that were peaking out from under his button down shirt. God how he wanted to throw her over his shoulder and find discover where those legs lead too.

As the sun approached the midday point, Bella began to feel her body temperature climb. So, she whipped off her shirt and piled on the sunscreen, Alice helping her reach her back. Bella blushed slightly at being half naked in front of her future family, but quickly brushed that thought to the side. _If they could do it…she could do it_. Only her blush gave way to the slight embarrassment she felt.

While Bella was completely oblivious to the effect her mini strip tease had- Edward was not. He watched her with rapt attention as she rubbed the greasy lotion all over her body. Over her arms and legs, over her stomach and face, and finally- and most torturously- over her chest. Edward's mouth fell open as she unknowingly massaged the fleshy globes of skin. As she moved her bathing suit slightly to cover more of her lovely skin, Edward felt a stirring below. His dick stood straight up at the sight of her. It pointed straight to Bella as if it were leading to rest of his body towards her.

If he were human…he would be as bright as Bella.

A splash from his brother Emmett quickly startled him from his thoughts of what he wanted to do to his human girlfriend. Edward, unable to remain in the pool with his…problem any longer, took off for the main house at vampire speed. He cupped his problem area as he ran, much to the humor of his family.

Bella looked thoroughly confused at the sight of a rapidly moving Edward and the Cullen's loud laughter. She made to get up and assist Edward in the house when Alice's hand shot out and stopped her.

"Bella, I really wouldn't go into the house right now if I were you," Alice replied through her giggles.

Bella's eyebrows creased even further. "Why? What's wrong with Edward?"

"Oh nothing's wrong with him per say…" Rosalie chimed in looking every bit a cover model as she relaxed by the pool. "He just has a little problem to take care of."

"It's not little Rose!" Edward yelled from the house, much to the amusement of his family.

Bella's eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped open as she finally understood the meaning of their words. She groaned and put her face over her hands to hide her embarrassment.

"Sorry Edward," she mumbled, knowing he could hear her.


	4. The Fortune Teller

**Penname: **Vampgirl18

**Creative Original or Derivative Fiction:** Derivative Fiction – Twilight

**Rating/Warning(s):** T

**Disclaimer:** All copyrighted, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

**Prompt:** Word: Alabaster.

Imagined Images: You are visiting a carnival with friends and decide to have your fortune told. As you walk in, the gypsy stops, stare at you and says, "I've been waiting." What happens next?

**I'm so far behind it's not even remotely funny.**

* * *

"Jasper! Get your ass over here." My cousin Rosalie has to be the loudest person I have ever met in my life. Too bad her boyfriend Emmett seemed to love the loud crass side of her.

I was visiting my Aunt and Uncle Hale up in upstate New York, a very different setting from my home state of Texas. We- my mother, father, and I- were only up here for the holidays. I couldn't wait to get out of this frozen hell hole.

Lovely cousin Rose drug me out to a stupid winter fair they had in the middle of town. It was a tradition in…ah…what's the damn name again? Bumblefuck New York. All the townies came out and rode on the Ferris wheel, played arcade games, and ate deep fried food. While painfully cheerful music blared out of the PA.

It.

Was.

Torture!

I waddled over to her as fast as my multilayered legs could carry me. I swaddled myself in three layer of sweat pants to keep out the cold. I glared at all the natives that were only wearing a pair of jeans…stupid New York Eskimos.

"Were going to go in the tunnel of love. Meet us at the fried Oreo's stand in twenty."

And they just walked away. Just walked the fuck away! Like I know where the fuck I'm going. I stomped through the fair grounds angrily muttering under my breath in anger. The rows of booths started to thin out as I walked along. A large bright red tent came into my view. It looked like a giant camping tent. There was steam billowing out of the top of it, so I'm guessing it's warm in there, exactly what I needed right now.

I stomped my way over to the tent and threw the flaps open only to stop dead in my tracks.

The inside was decorated in golden silks, a pungent incense burning on a small table to my right. In the center of the room was a small girl sitting on a large gold pillow. She was placing tarot cards in a formation in front of her and didn't even look up as I stumbled in to it.

"I've been waiting for you Jasper…"

I felt my jaw drop to the floor. How did she know my name? "Excuse me, how do-"

She cut me off. "Know your name? I know a lot about you Jasper. Here, come have a seat." She didn't look up as she waved to the cushion in front of her.

I tentatively looked at her and the pillow, deciding that she was so small that if she did turn out to be a psycho, I could probably over power her. I sat down on the surprisingly comfortable cushion. The girl continued to line up the cards, ignoring me completely.

As the seconds ticked by and she still didn't acknowledge me, I began to get frustrated. "Listen… are you one of Rosalie's friends or something?"

She snorted. "No, Rosalie doesn't talk to me at all."

That was all she said. I was getting angry now. "Well…if you aren't going to answer my questions then I guess I'll just leave."

I made to get up, but I felt a small warm hand wrap around my wrist keeping me in place. My skin tingled at the contact. I turned to stare at her, our eyes met.

Her face had an elfish quality, all dainty bones and soft angles. Her skin was a shade of the finest alabaster, her lips plump and looked soft to the touch, but it was her eyes that captivated my attention. They were wide and grey; a steely gunmetal color that looked so strong against her small impish features. They held my own dark blues captive in there gaze.

She was magnificent.

I felt my mouth drop open. I lost all ability to speak around her. She smiled, her full lips pulling up into a grin. In that moment I didn't care how or why she knew me. All I knew was that she was the loveliest creature I had ever seen and I would do everything in my power for her to be mine.

"You've kept me waiting a long time Jasper," she finally said in her sweet voice.

I took off my hat, my southern upbringing coming out, and extended my hand to hers. She slipped it into mine, the heat warming my partially frozen fingers. I lifted her delicate hand to my lips and kissed the soft skin.

"Well, I'm sorry miss…"


End file.
